Are You Leading or Mothering Your Team? By Mark Wager

Are You Leading or Mothering Your Team?

By Mark Wager

Here’s a scenario I frequently encounter. A leader reaches out, frustrated, saying they feel more like a parent to their team than a leader. These leaders typically have strong technical expertise and have excelled in their roles, which led to their promotion into leadership. At first, everything seems to go well. But as time passes, they realise their team doesn’t share the same level of dedication or work ethic. The leader finds themselves constantly chasing team members, reminding them to complete tasks, and eventually feeling more like everyone’s mother than their leader.

If this scenario sounds familiar, don’t worry—you’re not alone. And more importantly, there’s a solution.

The Problem: A Shift in Expectations

This issue typically arises when leaders who care deeply about their team haven’t been equipped with the right techniques to transition from being a team member to a leader. As a team member, you’re judged on your individual performance. But as a leader, you’re judged on what your team achieves, and this shift in expectations is where many leaders stumble.

Not everyone approaches work the way you do. Some team members set their own standards and maintain professionalism regardless of external factors, while others gauge what’s acceptable based on what’s allowed. If no one tells them they’re underperforming, they take silence as approval. In this environment, if you don’t reinforce personal accountability, you’ll soon find yourself in a situation where you’re chasing people just to get the bare minimum done. This is when you begin to feel more like a mother than a leader.

Setting the Right Expectations

While mothering your team comes from a place of care, it often encourages a dynamic where your team members begin to act like children, avoiding responsibility for their own work. I’ve always believed that people tend to live up to—or down to—the expectations you set for them. If you convey low expectations through your actions, you’re likely to see low performance. However, if you communicate high expectations, most people (though not all) will rise to meet them.

I recall a time when the All Blacks played Argentina. The team fielded five uncapped players, and as the game went on, Argentina dominated possession. With just twenty minutes left, the All Blacks were struggling. This is the point where the All Blacks would usually turn to experienced players on the bench to close out the match. However, this time, the bench consisted of inexperienced, untested players. Rather than lower their expectations, the All Blacks sent in the young players—and they delivered, helping the team secure a victory. The message was clear: the players were expected to rise to the occasion, rather than having the expectations lowered for them.

The same question applies to your leadership: what expectations are you setting for your team?

The Danger of Low Expectations

When you act like your team’s mother, chasing them and reminding them constantly, you’re implicitly communicating that you don’t trust them to handle their responsibilities. This not only breeds resentment but also reinforces poor performance. Because you’re getting subpar results, you feel compelled to act in ways that keep you trapped in this frustrating cycle. However, breaking this cycle is possible.

The Solution: Shift Responsibility Back to Your Team

The first step to change the story is to change the narrative. You need to place responsibility back on your team. Instead of constantly checking up on them, make them responsible for updating you. Before any deadline, ensure they understand they need to proactively inform you about their progress. If they anticipate missing a deadline, it’s their responsibility to raise the issue with you in advance, not the other way around.

Never Ask ‘Do You Understand?’

One common mistake leaders make is asking, “Do you understand?” When a team member fails at a task, it’s rarely intentional—they often thought they understood but realised too late that they didn’t. To avoid this pitfall, stop asking yes/no questions that only give the illusion of understanding. Instead, ask questions that require a demonstration of knowledge.

For instance, instead of asking, “Will you complete the report by Friday?”—a question that invites a yes/no response—ask, “How will you manage your workload to meet Friday’s deadline?” This type of question not only confirms understanding but also gives you insight into the person’s strategy and ability to complete the task. If they don’t know, you can intervene and coach them before they fail, rather than wait until after the fact.

Empowerment, Not Control

Leaders are often told they need to care for their teams—and that’s true. But caring doesn’t mean controlling. The best way to care for someone is by giving them the freedom and autonomy to perform at their highest level. True leadership isn’t about carrying your team on your back; it’s about empowering them to succeed. And when they fail, it’s about being there to support them and guide them back on track.

As the former Governor General of Canada, John Buchan, once said, “The task of leadership is not to put greatness into people, but to elicit it, for the greatness is there already.”

Empower your Leadership 

If you’re finding yourself constantly chasing your team and feeling more like their mother than their leader, it’s time to make a change. Leadership is about setting the right expectations and empowering your team to meet them. It’s about transitioning from control to trust, from micromanagement to accountability.

As a leadership coach with over 30 years of experience, I’ve helped countless leaders break free from this frustrating cycle and develop high-performing teams. If you’re ready to take the next step and become the leader your team needs, reach out to me for a coaching session today. Together, we can develop a strategy to transform your leadership approach and set you and your team up for lasting success.