What Leaders Can Learn from Hostage Negotiators

What Leaders Can Learn from Hostage Negotiators

By Mark Wager

There’s a model used by the FBI to talk people off ledges — literally. It’s called the Behavioural Change Stairway Model (BCSM), and it was developed by the FBI’s Crisis Negotiation Unit as a step-by-step framework to influence someone who’s in crisis — whether that’s a hostage-taker, a suicidal subject, or a barricaded suspect refusing to cooperate. Now, you might think that has nothing to do with leadership. But I’d argue the opposite. Leadership, especially when you’re dealing with resistance, conflict, or change, is its own kind of negotiation. You’re trying to influence people who may not want to be influenced. You’re trying to earn trust in moments when emotions run high. You’re trying to create alignment where there’s doubt, fear, or mistrust. And if that’s the case, then there’s no harm in borrowing a few techniques from the world’s best crisis negotiators — people who are trained to guide others from emotional volatility to rational behaviour. Let me walk you through the five steps of the Behavioural Change Stairway Model, and more importantly, show you how they apply directly to leadership.

Step 1: Active Listening – Hear Beyond the Words

It all starts with listening. Not waiting for your turn to talk. Not listening to respond. But really listening — actively, attentively, curiously. In the FBI model, active listening involves techniques like reflecting, paraphrasing, summarising, and even using strategic silence. It’s not about agreeing, and it’s certainly not about manipulating. It’s about showing the other person that you’re fully present, and that their voice matters.

In leadership, this is where most breakdowns begin — because too many leaders confuse hearing with listening. If you’re jumping in with solutions before someone’s even finished explaining the problem, you’re not listening. If you’re scanning for flaws in their thinking while they speak, you’re not listening. And if your team walks away from meetings feeling misunderstood or unheard, then you can guarantee that trust is eroding quietly in the background. Good leaders know that listening is not passive — it’s an active tool of influence. When someone feels genuinely heard, they stop trying to prove their point, and they start becoming open to yours. The goal of this first step isn’t to fix anything. It’s to understand — without judgment, without correction, and without an agenda.

Step 2: Empathy – Show That You Understand How They Feel

Once you’ve really listened, your next step is to demonstrate empathy. That doesn’t mean you have to agree with the person — but it does mean acknowledging the emotional reality they’re experiencing. Negotiators are trained to use statements like:

• “It sounds like you’re frustrated.”
• “I can hear that you feel let down.”
• “It seems like you were expecting something different.”

These are emotional labels — and they’re powerful. When you label someone’s emotions accurately, you do something critical: you reduce the intensity of that emotion. You move them from limbic brain to logical brain. You give them language for what they’re experiencing — and that creates clarity and calm.

As a leader, this step often gets skipped because we’re so quick to move to action. But influence without empathy is hollow. If your team member is demoralised after a failed project, don’t jump straight to next steps. Pause. Acknowledge. Say: “It’s clear you put a lot into this, and it didn’t land the way we hoped. That must be tough.” Then stop. Let it land. Let them breathe. Empathy doesn’t make you soft. It makes you human. And in today’s workplaces, humanity is one of the most undervalued leadership currencies we have.

Step 3: Rapport – Earn the Right to Influence

Once someone feels heard (listening) and seen (empathy), trust begins to form. And with trust comes rapport — the unspoken sense that we’re on the same side. For hostage negotiators, rapport is essential. It’s the bridge between crisis and resolution. Without rapport, demands escalate. With rapport, the temperature drops. People become less rigid. More human. More open. In leadership, rapport isn’t just being friendly — it’s being trustworthy. It’s the connection that makes influence possible. And it comes from consistency, presence, and emotional alignment.

Think about your own team. When you walk into a room, do people lean in — or lean away? Do they speak openly — or cautiously edit themselves? Do they challenge your ideas — or do they stay silent to keep the peace? If rapport is missing, you’ll notice it in the energy of your conversations. And without it, your influence will be based on authority, not on trust. That might work for a while, but it won’t last.

To build rapport, keep it simple. Be real. Admit when you’re wrong. Ask about someone’s experience, not just their output. Show that you see the human before the employee. Over time, that creates the kind of psychological safety that unlocks honest dialogue — and lasting change.

Step 4: Influence – Introduce New Perspectives Without Resistance

Only now — after listening, empathy, and rapport — can you begin to influence. This is the moment negotiators start making requests, offering ideas, and guiding the person toward behavioural change. But here’s the key: they’ve earned the right to influence, because they’ve done the emotional groundwork. In leadership, we often try to jump to this stage too soon. We launch into performance feedback, change initiatives, or coaching without first checking if the person is ready to hear us. We assume rationality — but people don’t operate on logic until their emotions are validated.

Real influence is subtle. It often sounds like:

• “What if we tried this instead?”
• “Would you be open to looking at this from a different angle?”
• “Can I share a perspective that might help here?”

Notice the tone — it’s collaborative, not directive. The goal isn’t to overpower resistance, but to gently move through it. Remember: when someone feels understood, they become far more willing to consider a different perspective. And when that happens, you’re no longer pushing. You’re partnering.

Step 5: Behavioural Change – The Goal, Not the Starting Point

The final step is behavioural change — the outcome every leader wants, but few achieve because they skip the previous steps. For negotiators, this is when the person surrenders, releases the hostage, or steps away from the edge. Not because they were forced to, but because they chose to. In leadership, it’s when your team member decides to shift their behaviour, adopt a new approach, or re-engage with a difficult task — not because you told them to, but because they now believe in the outcome. They feel heard, supported, and safe enough to try something new.

Here’s the hard truth: change imposed is often short-lived. But change that feels like a personal choice, guided by someone they trust? That sticks. Behavioural change isn’t just about performance metrics. It’s about mindset, ownership, and willingness. And it starts with your ability to lead through emotion, not just logic.

Leadership Is Emotional Work

We spend so much time in leadership focusing on systems, strategy, productivity, and performance. But at its core, leadership is emotional work. It’s about knowing how to connect before you direct. How to influence without authority. How to create an environment where people want to change, rather than feel forced to. The Behavioural Change Stairway Model may have been born in the high-stakes world of hostage negotiation, but its principles are universal. You don’t need a crisis to use them — just a desire to lead with greater impact, empathy, and clarity. So next time you find yourself in a difficult conversation — whether it’s with a disengaged team member, a frustrated stakeholder, or a colleague resistant to change — remember the staircase. Start at the bottom. Take one step at a time. And whatever you do — don’t skip straight to the top.